Chapter 6

Hiya, sorreh ah've no postit in ages bit ah wiz evictit oot ma coonsul hoose. Ken whit fur? non paiment eh rent. kin ye bileeve it? ah git hoosin benifits fur fucks saiks. nae cunt telt meh ah hid tae sort oot ma hoosin benifit! Ye'll hae tae bair wi me, ahm no yoost tae tipping big wurds so tak yur tyme an reed it in yer heed an yell be fyne. thay facebooks cunts chairge ye by the carickter ye ken, so if a wroted this normul it wd lk lyk dis n use r aw fik cunts who cani unrstan. 

A hid tae writ this doon fur ye as ma knickers have been wringin sinse a goat bak fae dundee, ye'd hink the dug hid been at thum. A toatul miss ma wee staffie, Kaiser. ma hoose feels empteh wioot um. A boi sent a email wanse aboot dain a vido wi Kaiser fur munneh but a hid nae credit in ma fone. he wiz gaw gie meh faiv hunner bar fur it, dae ken wut he wantit me tae dae wi a dug in a video. 

jist tae let yez ken Jamals a wee bit aulder noo and hes neerly finisht primmary skel and he's gaw be a dad! Jist hink, me Chardonnay, a gran! fukin mentul eh?

Back tae whit yoo clerty basturts want. a goat ah ovverpaiment fae the chile benufits the er day. nearly 3 hunnur quid. a coodnae buleeve it! a fought tae masel fuk thum its thare misstaik so ahm gaw go tae the big sitty and liv it up. ahl pai they cunts bak at 3.50 a week or sumhing, mah heed wiz spinnin. 

Ah lookt the piksher o sufistikashun waitin oan the bus, ah wiz toatul buzzin inside tho as I kid use mah Jamals bus pass coz hez goat that ADSD hing. The bus driver total lookt me up an doon an a fought tae masel that he total wantz me. a lookt ged in ma legginz wi ma ugg bootz a goat affy that facebay, ye been there yit? a ca believe they kin sell ugs for twinty poond, shops are scammin bams lyk so thats why a steal fae thum. Ahm share the bus driver cood read ma lips cos a felt aw classy in ma white leggins and ma asda scants, the wans wi the strawberris oan them an it wisnae the lips oan ma pus he wiz tryin tae read durty basturt. 

ah gave him a wink when ah cuvvurt Jamals pus oan his pass and did ma sexy walk up the bus, ma ug bits scartin up the aisle, awbdy oan the bus wiz lookin at meh, a wiz the queen oan it.

ah daydreemt oot the bus windae hinkin eh aw ma privios luvvurs. it wiznae long afore a wis frobbin, ma bald man in a boat was like a clowns nose. ah needit tae git tae a kfc or burger king tae frig masel, ah cannae consintrait on the chorrin if ah've got the horn on. 

The ovurgait wiz ma sanktuary and it wiz laik it wiz ment tae be as i drug ma heels aboot in ma ug bits a clipped a ten deck eh sovrins. oaft. 8 fags in it, ma poast offiss accoont goat emptiet fur ma shopin trip so it wiz lyk a hiya power wiz geen me a sine "Chardonnay dinnae chor hen, spend yer chile benufit oan yer hertz desires, they fags are a gift fae me. god hen"  ah furgot aw aboot ma frobbin dezires and fokissed oan ma shopin

a wiznae gaw splash ma cash in the ovurgait fuk that, the reel shopz wur in the wellgait. it wiz like hevin, poundland, b and ms an a mickdonalts tae. oanly hing is aw they fat auld cows spinnin aboot oan thur mobility scooters dae ma pus in ma soashul wurker said herpeez widnae git me wan. lyin basturt. hing iz a hid aw this munneh bit a dinnae git the same frill if ahm no tryin tae rip the tag aff stuff.

ohsha bam, b an ms wur sellin davidofs cool watters and joop fur men fur a tennur eech! best hing is they dinnae tag that stuff cos its total cheep noo a didnae hink it froo tho i wiz wearin white leggins, aye they wur saggeh at the erse bit there wiz nae room tae hide the bottuls.

that wiz when a herd a voise thit wiz lyk a voise aff the voise, if a wiz a judje a woodeh spun oot ma chair. he lookt fuckin gawjuss in his uniform, oaf  wite shirt that wiz 3 sizes to big fur him asda bleck troozurs and fuckt doctor mertins. it wiz hiz walky talker that really set hiz bloodshot eyes aff. "fit ye daein hen?" he askt meh, me hert meltit as his velvitty dundee accent dansed in ma ears and sent scottish power strengf bolts eh elektrissity tae ma flaps and klitiris. "git tae fuck sessual hurassin meh ye dundee prick" ah wiz gaw play hart tae git wi ma prinse. "na need tae be lyk that ken? If ye tak the davidoff oot yer legginz and pit it back ahll no be fonin the poliss in fehv minits ken?" he wiz so foarsful lyk he wiz domninatin meh. he grabt me "git aff meh ya fukkin tink!" ah shoutit "aw cum oan lyks hen thurs nae neet tae cause a scene likesay ye ken?" he grabt me by the airm an poolt me tae um, a cood smell the meffidone aff his breath he needit tae ken a wantit um. wantit us tae be jynt thegither like oor soles wur wan. Ah saw eez name tag, Barry, it says. his monobrow gave him a caivman lyk appearince a wantit him even mair. "ye'll jist hae tae fone the poliss thin ya cunt" ah saiz. 

He eskortit me tae the back room, the wan that they take aw they shoapliftin widtinks tae. as soon as he cloasd the door ahent um a drapt tae ma knees "aw barry dinna fone the poaliss ahl dae onyhing fur ye". ah didnae care that ma leggins wid git durty a needit ma barry. ah undid his belt and he let me, it must be a commin hing fur a stud lyk barry or mibbe he had too much meffidone cos he didnae fite me. ah unleeshed his manhood, a dinnae ken if it wiz cos he wiz wee n boney but ma fanny wid be killin me in about 5 minitz. "fokkin hell hen" he says as his banger goat hard in ma moof it wiz lyk a wiz in hevvin pleezin ma man an it wiz so tasty. "sorry darlin, ah hid a tommy tank after a packet o Doritos oan ma tea" a didnae cair na mare a gaiv way tae the lustful beest that wiz inside meh. he frew me oantae the interrigayshin taible an howked ma leggins and ma scants up "wur ye stealin packets o ham fae iceland and eatin them hen?" he could smel ma lust ovviously and punched three fingers insite meh and startit fingur bangin me like he was rakin fur change oot a vendy. he wiz goin so hard that i let a fly fart oot and the daft prick thought it wiz fae ma frunt bum. "aw barry" ah saiz. "I need tae feel ye." he liftit his shirt up and a saw hiz six pack and hip bones stickin oot like he wiz a fashin modul. he frust his throbbing lust deep inside eh ma aching love poakit his hip bones jaggin intae me, it wiz like i wiz gettin fuckt by a clothes horse but he wiz ma lord an a wiz hiz laydeh. "aw eh, aw fuck eh!" i wiz satisfyin ma big prince even wi ma clowns pockit. ah didnae care his mooth lookt like a vandalised graveyerd i wantit tae kiss um oor lips met and it wiz awhing ah dremt eh. "aw fuckn hell hen" ma king says as he tipped his muck intae ma fanny as ah felt explosions inside me as ah came anaw. He wiz mine and ma bairn wid huv a gawjuss accent tae, we wid aw liv in his cassel up Lochee. his walkie talker startit cracklin "jakeys liftin tampax and pigs ears Barry where are ye?" "aw fuck! ah've got tae go hen ken eh?" a howked ma soakin breeks up. basturt left me. will a ivvur lern?

 

 

Chapter 5

Awrite gadgies and gadgettes! It's me Chardonnay!

Mind eh me? Aye ah ken ah've no been on here in ages cos eh twa hings. A went tae the tech tae dae ma Inglish standart graid n that so ma Englands a bit better than it wiz afore ken. So a hink am reddeh tae tell ye mair aboot me and this fuckin bedroom tax is killin me. Total fuckin ragin aboot it lyks. Coonsul basturts rippin meh aff. So if ah write this here and send a email tae Chat, Take a Break and that er yin wan eh they cunts mite publish and boom 30 bar! it's usually me that saiz a get raped aff ma da or that a had a bairn wi nae ersehole or that a kiss dugs peekies fur videos fur the internet. a jist mack it up and they silly cunts pyoor luv it min! It gits hardur tho when they want foties, ahve got rakes o pickshers me daein stuff wi Planet's Staffie. see wance ye get them gaun they're no bad dugs.

Anywiy, ah ken why aw youse bams read this, cos ye hink ma exploits are like proper durteh and it ackshual gets yez gaun eh ya manky bams. Bet nen eh yez huv even thought aboot ma wee man Jamal. He goat ten aff me by the Soashul!! LOL ah fukin wish, he's still wi me and ah luv ma wee chocklit sodjur. He's stertin the primary 5 eftur the summur holudehs and ah manijed tae get um Champix so he'll be aff the fags in nae time. ah hink the wee bams kickin aboot wi some dodgy cunts tho. got ript aff the er day when he sayz he wantit a tennur, fund a tiny bit eh soap bar in his Gio-Goi jeans. a ackshual laffed and fought wot a dense wee cunt. shouldve got mair than that fur a tenner.

enuff aboot him so jist afore the summur a went doon the links merkit. its fuckin ackshual mintit lyk. a total luv the merkit me lyk ah git a total gid swatch at aw the boyz ken? the smell eh adidas afturshave and links africa aff aw the tidy cunts, if theyv goat a tag oan aw the better coz a luv bad boys. but that wiz when oor eyes met...

a saw um howkin aboot under the Tageda, ye ken the hing thats like a circle wi seats on it whit total chucks you aboot like a ginger step bairn, fur folks wallets and fones. a hud tae hae um. he wiz wearin a supardry jaikit and it wiz oan his boddeh like a tramp on chips. he wiz nuhin like that cunt fae sports direct he total hud a total gid tan n that and he had wan eh they tattoos on his pus like him aff the hangover ken the specky wan? it wiz lyk magnits pullin us thegither, Jamal started runnin his moof so a scuddit his heed and was lettin masel git pulled in by his tractur beem o luv.

"hapnin shaggur" a sais "awrite darlin" he sais. his eyes burnt intae ma sole, he cocked his heed, then again and again, ah hink this cunt had tourettes. a hope he swears and calls me a cockmuck LOL a fought tae masel. he didnae just no hae a wash he wiz proper tanned an a dae hink it wiz fae the stand n tan, he wiz mair manly than ennyhing ah'd ever seen. he wrapped his airms aroont me ma bad yak wiz burlin wi excitement "ah-m gaw fuh fuh fuh fuh finger ye! FLAPS FLAPS!" ohyah fucker, he hud toorets, this wiz gaw be mintit!! ah asks um if we cud go sumwhere mair private....

he ten meh tae his caravan that wiz behind his maws cake n candy stall, "welcum tae mah palliss o luv SHITEY KNICKERS!" ah sayz tae jamal "cover yer ears pal this cunts language is fuckin atroshiss" I wiz aprehensiv as my fanny wiz lyk terry waits allotment and the way this sexy cunts heed wiz gawn wi hiz tic ah bet he could lick the paint aff wa's. "ye wantin a FUCK...SHIT...ARSEHOLE... can eh red rooster fur the bairn hen?" ah saiz "nah he only drinks blue chairge pal, whats yer name by the way?" "it's PISSPISSMATTY" "pisspissmatty?" ah saiz "naw jist MATTYNYEEEEEY PEEDO" ah needit Matty's hot slab o manlove inside meh. a wiz jist aboot to go up on blocks fur ma bad week so a wiz total gantin fur ma hole. Matty hud a 60" 3B telly so ah chucked Jamal a pair eh glesses an saiz "sit doon an shut yer pus"

ah took Matts haun, it wiz huge and aw ruff wi callisses, thur wiz lectric atween us like sum cunt hud jist pit fifty wing in the leccy meter and it wiz mainlinin' tae ma hole, ma pants wur wringin awreddy. Matty wiz ma sultan, ma knight in shinin armur, ah hink me his printsess jasmin (like Aladdin) wiz fa'in fur um... he chucked me oan the bed lyk a empty tracksuit. Aw a kid see wiz masel, the kinky bastard had put a 1 Direction pickshur mirror oan his roof. holy fuck a aboot came there an then, he pounced on me like what a tiger diz tae a horse oan they borin as fuk naychur programs, "fuck" a fought, a better hae set the sky fur Big Brer. Matt wiz aw er me, he wiz howkin ma tap up and gettin in aboot ma funbags like Jamal at the playstation a got fae Cash Generator on chuck fur hes chrismiss. ah kid feel his throbbing sexmeat bump against ma C seckshun scars froo ma leggins, a didnae care thit a just goat thum fae peacocks, this hunky bas kid rip them aff ma aching body. "d-d-d-d-do you like HELMET HELMET CHEESE.. kinky stuff hen?" ma mahahaharaja asked me. "ahm no daein dugs ya bleck cunt no even fur 50 bar, the bairns oot there!" ah sais. he sais "naw, like, FUH FUH FUH SLAGS! like bondij and that" "like bein a spy?" a sais. he cocked his heed, and cocked it again. he rummijed aboot in his bedside drawer and ten a box oh they wee woodin forks oot and tipped them aw er me. ah wiz like demmy moor when she pumped that auld cunt cept it wiz they wee woodin forks no money coverin me. he pit wan in ma moof like what ye see Rambo daein when he sets fire tae himsel in the third wan. ah'm no jokin ye, a thought ah'd pished masel a wiz that wet, he rolled me er and a closed ma eyes, it wiz like a wiz aboot tae scran a mcdonalds apple pie, the anticipation then the mix eh pleasure and pain cos there aiwez hot as fuck but reely gid.

he ten two oh they snake hings on they wires and tied me face doon, he howked ma leggins doon and a awaitit the waves eh pleashur as hiz tung worked aw aboot ma erse an that. he spanked and slapped me wi the wee widden forks ma boddeh wiz awash wi pleshur, like when ye see yer appeal letter fi the dole sayin thur backdatin yer money. "aww matty ah need ye" ah saiz "hod on hen" he saiz a felt his body on mine and a imagined his frobbin peekie tae be like a red puddin that ye see in Valente's wee frier winda wi a big thick helmit. afore a kent it he wiz inside me, me an ma king wur wan, he kept on takkin it right oot ma fanny and rattlin it back in, it wiz gettin aw fu o air but ah didnae care. i was in seventh hevvin. he rolt me er and got wan eh they hings that his maw hings the popcorn and that aff eh on her stall and clipped them ontae ma nips sha hoor it wiz sair but anyhing for ma Matty, he cocked his heed and smilet at me as he rammed his loveweapon back inside me he howked ma legs up oer his shooders and a fanny fartit but a didnae care and neevur did ma king he started batterin ma box his clockweights slappin ma erse. he whipt aff they hings aff ma nipples, they were throbbin like ma budgie's tongue, a massive organism went fae ma taes up tae ma heed, a groaned really loudly and Matty climaxed deep inside ma flange, yass a wiz gaw hae ma man eftur aw, "are ye fightin again Mum?" Jamal says. "CUNTBISCUITS!" Matty shoutit. "Right hen, ah'm awa back tae the Tageda" ah didnae care that he left me, ah wid see ma man again. ah liftit a fork as a wee memento. a got sortit and a took Jamal tae the puggies, it wiz awrite coz ah goat ma money the day.

Ah came back the next day to find the merkit awa. sake. but a goat ma wish. A hot showboys jizz in ma nan.

Gaun viral

Hiya,

Migs here, a pure lolled at that hinkin ye'd hink a wiz riddult wi summink, a proabably am lyks. no been tae the gum clinik in yeerz but am on the turn noo an nae cunts slippin me a lengf which is why a wrote ma book so it gies me sumhing tae frig aff teh. a spoke wi ma manijur an he saiz it's viral marketin hen. So if ye want tae lyk it go tae www.facebook.com/poundlandpromises. See if yeh lyk it, it cures AIDS fur they broon bairns and that and gies Simon Weston a new pus.

Cho palz

Migs

xx

Chapter 4

A herd the fump o letturz oan ma doormat. A wiz disapointit as it didnae hae that hevvy fump o ma Very catalog. Tae be honnist ah didnae hink a wiz gaw get wan as a pure bumped the cunts at ma maws address. Amazebaws. The disapointmint wiz short lived haw az a goat back intae ma Closer, ah fukin luv Jordan, she's ma total idul an if a wiz a lezza a wid totally dae ur. Awhing she's ucumplished jist beh gettin ur paps oot and lyin on Honda Civic's is amazin, even the wiy she's looked eftur Harvey and stil had a amazin cureer itz totez inspirin tae me as a indypendent womin. A used tae fancy that er wan, wotserpus, Jodie Marsh bit she went aww broon, jist like ma Jamal and goat mussuls, ugly slag. A pyoor luv ma celebriteh goasip, it taks me awa fae Links Street, like a majic kerpit, ken like Aladdin, ah wid be Ariel tae ma pikey wha cums a prince, a wid rub his lamp and mak mair than a jeenie come oot! An ah wiz totul jellis eh that greek hoor gittin Faysurs man meat in ur moof. Bitch. Wot a wid dae tae that hot slice o chocolate cake, ungratfel cow, hink ae aw that munny she goat, ah goat a rush froo ma vaj hinkin oh um or it couldeh been that ah just crimped a length o cable. Zinger Towers are ma fave but they dae hauf mak me shite. A feenisht up an went tae check ma post, see that Caspian hiz goat a new menu, ah'll hae tae wait tae Fursday tae get summin oot there cos ma munneh goes in, might hae a girlie nite in wi ma pals, ken like in they adverts thit wur on afore Friends ages ago and they're aw haein a great time in their tools wi popcorn an that? It's gaw be like that but wi Aldi's criss and voddy wi a munchy box. Dansur. A went froo the rest eh ma mail ah opint the wan fae the DWP.

Ma wurlt cullapst, ah aboot cullapst. a fukin letur aff the doal...

Maw hawns wur shakin wi angur, they bass wur gaw wifdraw ma benefits! A wiz ragin, ma rent got paid fur, ah got awhing aff the coonsul fur fuk aw, whut wiz a gaw dae? ma fanny dryt up quick then ah tell ye. It wiz like Kayden yayzin me. Ma stummik was lyk it hid jist been pumped eftur a night oot at Styx in Glenroffis. Theh wantit me tae cum in and hae a wurd wi thum, ah'd a hae a wurd awrite, ah wiz luvin life since ah goat the punt fae Miss Maude's Daein fuk aw an gettin payt fur it wiz the best hing ivur tae hapin tae me. Wat wid ma Jamal dae wioot hiz Air max n that, ah ken a chor maist eh thum but wen iz feet git biggur ah ca keep chorrin trainurz fur um an ahve bumped maist eh the catilogs tae.

A slumpt onteh ma couch, a lit a tab an took a draw oot it, aboot 4 tabs wur missin, it must've been Jamal, cheeky wee shite, ma maw smokes bawkeh but a startit smoking wen a wiz 9 so a ca grumbul at Jamal smoakin se erleh, ma wee troopur. Ma appointmint wi the doal wiz a few dayz awa. A wiz  stresst oot but a didnae want tae hae a blue or that. ah wiz gaw be a strong woomin. Like Beyonsay. A goat a can eh blue cherge fae the fridge as it wiz tyme fur Jeremeh Kyul and Hoams under the Hammur. A wiz depresst. A fought a mite gang tae the doacturs and git sum anti depressints but ah couldnae be ersed, ah'l fone and screem it thum the morn or ahll foan the soashul. No even ma blu chairge kid cheer me up, ah wiz shakin lyk a shittin dug fae the caffeine and witch craft cawed Guyana in it but ah jist wiznae happy, ah hud the energeh tae go an hae sum cheez strings oot the fridge. Bit that wiznae enuff, ah wantit mair,  a rummiged in ma cubburds, "Offt" a fought. Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle, it wiz jist in date and it wid go wi the Jeremeh Kyul episode a wiz watchin. "Jakarta Juniors" aw aboot burds gettin up the stick affy hot forin boys. Even though a wiz buzzin oot ma titz oan the energy drink a wiz wettur than Rod Hull's roof, hinkin aboot sum hot holiday luvvin at the hawns eh a Arabian prince exploring ma boddeh, ma innur godes, gawn at ma monkeh like a dug eatin hot chips... a fought the only hing that'll cheer meh up'll be chuckin masel aboot.

A went up the stair and pult ma rabbit oot ma drawr, it wiz deed. It got banged mair than a shithoose door if ah'm troothful. I wiz oan the hunt fur batrehs. I went froo Jamals auld toys, beh the tym a wiz finished there wiz walkman shit aw er the shoap. I heddit fur his baby monitur. Ah do yase it wen he stays at ma hoose bit this wiz mair important. Ma rage fae gettin bumped fae the dole, ma hert gawn like a fiddlers elbe fae the enurjeh drink hid combined tae a volcano eh lust in ma pants, ah wiz needin ma George Cole, an kwik. Ah howked ma breeks doon and goat tae wurk. Whit sooondit like a transformur haein a eppy atween ma flaps wiznae daein much fur ma mood. Ah wiz hinkin aboot ma Ben again bit even ma luvleh Ben wiznae gettin me gawn. Ah felt lyk ahd bitrayt um,

"ah'm sorreh Ben"  a says tae uhm iz he gret oan ma shooder

"but darlin, ahm hapyist when wur punchin fuk oot each er eftur a night oot, ah'd miss ye like desurts mist the rain, even if a goat pit in the cells oer the weekend it wid be too far awa fae ye too long awa fae ye, ah'd dae masel in or git back oan the smack"

 A nearly made masel greet wi finkin that ma Ben wid go bak tae daein gear wioot meh, bit a hid tae let um go.
"Itz no yoo, itz me Ben. Ah've met sumcunt elss."

Davey ya sexeh basturd, ah hoap eh wiz hinkin o meh iz eh wiz ridin ma maw, auld bitch wi hur saggy baps n fanny like a kebab fae Istanbuls, it wid be lyk chucking a fag doon Kirkcaldy High Street coz a wiznae a wee bairn ken. A went ontae ma side, still ragin fit tae burst like a ketchup packet ootay Wevvurspoons wen ye squeeze it. That wiz the moment a saw um, oan a dug eered copeh eh Now. Alex Reed, if a couldnae be ma idul Jordan, a wid pump ur ex man. Ma loins flushed wi a renewed pashin.

"Aww Alix, ye wantin tae see ma 60" plazma oan ma wa in ma livvin room? ah've goat sky HD wi aw the fukin chanels an Rab goat me a chipt caird so a get aww they manky channuls fur nuhin, an the bairns at ma maws"
 "Chardonnay, a want ye, a want tae be inside ye, ma gut sticks aching tae get wired intae ye..."
"Aww Alix.... Alix... are ye wanting tae be a crafty butcher?"  a says as a bit ma lip
"Eh?"
"Tak yer meat roon the bak"
"Sha hoor aye"
Ma fingers were oan ma bean lyk a tramp on chips, ma bodeh wiz gein it jerks like a hid toorets and a wiz makin noises like a deef gurl enjoyin a donut. Alex, ya hunky bass... A wiz strummin awa' hinkin aboot ma Alex, ma King, who'll tak me awa fae aw this, no even managin tae git intae the livin room tae see ma telly, he frew me ontae the stairs in ma hoose, at that ah wiz gettin cloasur to cummin. Oor eyes burnt intae each uvvurs, we wantit each ither, lyk a atomic bob o shaggin. His hawns went er meh, his boady wiz lyk a bag eh snakes and a made a grab fur hiz snake.
"fuk me!" a saiz
"how?" he saiz
"ah'll be walkin lyk John Wayne if ye rattle that up ma dungur!"
"Katie didny mind!"

Wi that, a new a wit a hid tae dae, ma idul, the wan woomin a lookt uptae a wiz menshinned in the same bref iz hur, so i spat oan ma hawn an wiped it oan ma tea tool holder fur um, then pooin his kex doon a took um in ma moof, his angry sex wis fillin ma moof like a Rustlers hotdug fae the Odeon, a squeezed at eez baws and he groaned wi unbridult pleshur. He flipt me oar, and rattult ma erse cheek wi his manhood, then skelpt me and cawed me a durty bitch. a kin a haid a hairy ersehole but a didnae care. Wot ma king wantit, ma King goat and he wantit ma bonus tunnel so a offurt masel up like a sackrafishul lamb, gettin slawtered oan the altur eh lust. We becaym wan, his hot frusts stretchin me, he gruntit as his slaghammer went deeper up ma farter, tae let ye ken haw ah hid a sectarian when a hid Jamal so he didnae leave me wi a wind sock but a new ma balloon knot wid be a tite hoat pleshur for ma Alex. He went intae meh uptae his back wheels, wi every frust ah wiz gittin cloasur, ma fingurs wur a blur oar masel as o fought eh Alex pumpin ma ringpiece as a diddult masel, Alex took meh in his big mussly airms and pult me tae um, our boadies and soulz becummin wan, he pit his haun er ma moof and sayz he wiz reddeh an a felt eez walloper gie it wan as he releesed his tatty watur up ma pipe. That wiz me ah went aff lyk a rockit, savurin the pleshur that ma mynd hid creatit and ma boddeh wiz sayvurrin. a gave hees pickshur a wee peck and ah fought eh us in oor post shag yooforia.
"Ye wantin wan eh the bairns froot shoots Alix?"
"Aye goan then" iz eh wipet hiz banger oan ma baff tool. A kid furgee um fur that, coas he wiz ma King.

Ah sortit masel oot an went back doon the stair, a hid aner fag bit aw a kid smell wiz fanny batter and pot noodles aff ma fingurs. It wiz aboot tym tae get reddeh onywiy, ah wiz awa oot the night so ahd wash ma hawns n that in the shoor. A hid pyoor braw gawn oot clase that ah'd chort fae Quiz last week so some luckeh basturt was gaw be nuckle deep in meh the nyt lykes ah needit a gid fingerin tae tak ma mynd aff ma meetin wi the doal.

Chapter 3

Jamal's ma wee sodjur, a ca mind his fer's nem. A met um oan a weekend awa tae Blackpool, lets jist say he satisfied me like no man in Fife kid an ah aiwez wantit a chocklit bairn. thur gorjiss. Ah hink Jamal's gaw grow up tae be a laydehkillur. Wen ah wiz yungur if a boy hiz culur turnt up ah widdey maid shair ah wiz first in the queue and a wid claw onny bitches een oot tae keep um, i wid cut hiz nem inta ma airm anaw so we'd be thegither furivur. Ah go n a see Jamal at ma maws, the soshuls no ten um aff me or that, ma maw gits a kayrurs allowance fur um. Mintit, dubul benefits eh? lol An it meenz ah kin git oot oan the pish wen ah want. A usually oanly git a hauf boatul eh Vodkat n sum Freeway cola an me an Destiny sit in an lissun tae Basshuntur n that. Mind wen eh goat accused o touchin up a burd at Kitteh's? That wiz me! lol a mite still git sum cash aff it. A toatally widuv let Basshuntur hae his wai wi me tae bit the poliss dae need tae ken!

Wen a wiz jist ootside ma maws a saw a mintit Voxhall Corsa it hid massiv ixhost oan it an ah hudnae seen it doon the prom or that afore ken. Ah've been pumped mair times thin a airbed doon there lyk, but thats fur aner time. So a firet intae ma maws tae see whit wiz hapnin. a smelt a mans aftirshaiv. it wiz the saim iz ma Kayden's. fukin Joop. If onny smell wiz gaw git ma budgies tongue throbbin it wiz that. A herd ma maw talkin tae sumwan in the kichin. That wiz wen ah furst saw the man eh mah dreemz. He wiz gorjiss. He wiz wearin a Mckenzie T shurt, an he hid wel poash Evisu jeenz oan ye ken the wanz wi the big hing er the erse? Thay wanz in tae tap it aff white timbeh's. Time stoaped, he took ma breff awa. Ma hert wiz hammerin in ma chist. Oor eyez lockt, there wiz nae gammy een or nuhin and he hud a byootiful teardrop tattoo. cummin fae his right wan. ah wantit that teeyur tae be fur me, a loang loast luv that spanned er milleniya, mair than a case eh um gittin fishy fingurs at the pickshurs watchin Transformers 3 ken? A bet wans he wiz gawn he kid poke holes in cheap doors. His hawns wur big anaw, ah kid imagine thum wurkin majic aw er ma aykin bodeh, yernin fur eez tuch and the swally tattoo wiz the isin oan the sexy kayk.

Ma maw broak the silens "Fuk ye stairin it?! Cuntz goat a nem!". Ah saiz "shut yur pus!" bit a wiz awreddy blushin. eftur they'd dryt oot ma pants wur gaw be fu o clitty litter the night. "Hiya ah'm Chardonnay" ah saiz. He cocked his heed and saiz "ah'm Dov" sha hoor... Dov... it soonds like Duv and thayre byootiful burdz an ah wiz gawn tae fly oan hiz wings o luv and sook hiz cock "ye pittin the fukin kettul oan?!" a screemd at ma maw. So she did. A wantit Dov tae see meh, i wiz a bit guttit coas ah had wan eh mah auld thongs on an it wiz a durty grey bit a fought fuk it an ah bent doon tae git Jamal a bisskit oot the cubburd. ah did a sexy wee bend er and pyoor tensed ma airshole, cos a wiz gaggin fur a fart an a wid dee if a fartit in frunt eh ma King. Ah goat up an saiz "ye wantin a bisskit Dov?" bit ah said it like "Dov, ye wantin tae tak me up the starez and kick ma back doorz in?" A felt eez gaiz oan meh as a went tae gee Jamal his bisskit.

Ma maw shoutit frew tae me aboot gawn doon the toon tae git ur sum stuff, ah telt ur that ah'd awriddy goa her stuff and goat thay Samba's fur her pal anaw. But she wantit mair shite so ah wiz tae fire doon tae Tesco's. Ah goat Jamal intae his pram n that an ah saiz tae Davy "ye wantin tae cum doon the street wi me?" bit ma maw sayz "Awa tae fuk yoo!" Auld cow. Davy'll be up tae hiz back wheelz in ma maw afore ah'm oot the fukin street ah bet. Jammeh bitch. Ah'll snare um in ma web eh luv soon enuff, lyk a seckseh spidur.

So ah firet intae Tesco, and ah wiz glad wee Jamal wiz wi meh, ah pumpt some fish fingers and waffuls inside his pram aside Jamal, he widnae mind, he wiz asleep. Beltur, about 25 quids wurf eh stuff and ah oanly went tae get ma maw fags. Wi the change aff the 20 bar she gied me a foought ah'd nip tae the Indoor Merkit and buy Jamal a new tap, a herd they wur daein they tapoot ufc wans oan the cheap, Jamal wid look braw and hard as fuk wi wan eh thaym oan. I went tae wan eh the stalls and thats wen a saw um... Oor eyez locked, he wiz a stunnin broon culur, so wur hiz een which smouldert wi pashin and wur burnin intae mine, that wiz it, ma flaps wur aflame wi pashin, that or ma thrush wiz flarin up. Ah goat the hoodit tap fur jamal that a wantit but ah wiz a fivur short. A turnt the pram awa fae ma Tupac, coz thats what he lookt lyk, a reinkarnayshin eh Tupac but wi a peedo tash n a turban. Ah saiz "Haw pal, wid ye tak forteen ferty fur that tap?" he opened his moof and ah sware ah wiz in luv. he murmurt "twenny poun" in a voice that made ma liqourice go aff like a rockit. ah asks um "fourteen ferty anna haun joab?" He looked uncomfy bit it widnae be long afore we wid be entwined wi lust, a pit ma hawn inside his tracky b's an rapt it roon his pump action mott gun. Hiz een clased wi pleshur and he murmured at meh, dae kin wat he said lyk. Bit he oppened his een, ah hink he wiz lookin at ma gammy wan bit ah didnae care, ah wantit ma Tupac tae start a fug life wi me, his white gangstur beeyatch. I startit movin ma hawn up n doon n up n doon n up n doon n up n doon. Tupac? Two pump mair like, as his lust overflowed aw er ma hawn an his knees gave wai tae his animulistic dehzires. Durty bass.Well that pit me rite aff um, ma kwest fir a ikzotik luvur cuntinues. A firet ma hawn intae ma thong tho and wiped his joygloy aw er ma minge, ye nivvur ken, a might hae aner halfcast bairn.

Cheekeh boniss tho ah goat Jamal a Tapoot hoody, a wantit a pair eh airmax fur um but ah wiznae gaw go back tae Sports Direct as ma Kayden wiz there. Ersehole.

Migs goes viral

Comments and feedback welcome Migsybaby19@gmail.com She might even email you back.

Chapter 2

Ah wiz a bag o emoshins. Wot a fought wiz gaw be the stert eh summin

byootiful endit wi a pumpin in the stock room eh Sports Direct an a 

cummy back. How kid ma Kayden dae this tae me. Aye, he wiznae perfect 

by onny meenz wi his limp,bad een and his bile oan his neck bit luv maks 

ye blund ken? Plus ah've goat a lazy yak and a goat the pish ten oot me 

at skel fur it. 
 
He mustve felt sumhin fur me, coz he didnae chess me very faur afore he 

stopt. Aner successful rob, gaun yersel Chazza. Oanly hing wiz, the fat 

prick burst a popper oan ma Kappa's and ma Gers tap wiz stickin tae ma back.

Startit tae smell like bleachanaw, He needs tae drink mair wattur.
 
A goat tae ma flat on Links Street, Planet Paddy wiz sittin oan the steps 

gouched oot hiz pus. "Therez ma darlin!" ah wid totez pump um but jist no 

wen he'z smackt oot his nut. He cocked his heed it meh, an squintit 

"gaun hame pal?" "aye" a saiz. I ackshilly fot ahll tak um up the stairz 

an gie um wan, bit Jeremy Kyle wiz gaw be oan in hauf an hoor an the wai 

he wiz noddin oot, it wid be like stuffin a marshmally in a moneybox and 

he wid mair thin likely chor ma new 60" plasma ah goat oot Brighthoose.
 
A goat in an took ma claes aff, a rubt ma Gers tap oan the toylit seat, 

ma pal Destiny telt meh thit she goat up the spout sittin oan the shiter. 

If a couldnae snare ma King wi ma flaps ah'll git um wi a bairn. Eftur ma 

shite, ah ran a baff. Ah needit tae chill oot, a lit a caunnul, no tae be 

romantic but they pricks at the coonsul wur gaw cherge meh fur a lightbulb! 

Get tae fuk man! Ah hid tae git a whylang whylang Glade caunnul cos ma 

shite wiz beelin.
 
A stuck oan sum relaksayshin music, it wiz like a orgasms fur ma ear. 

A fuckin luv Tiesto like. The warm wattur wiz up n roont meh lyk a wiz back 

in ma mers woom. A felt it peece. A hid a greet tae masel, ma stomach wiz 

gawn like id hid a bad Leven speshul ootay Istanbul in Mefful. 

Ah hud tae get intae a bettur place, the wattur felt gid oan ma boady like 

hunners eh sexy Ben Fogle's kissin meh aw er. Aw Ben ah want ye tae tak me 

awa fae aw this madniss. Tak me on yer wee canoe bit bring Stephen's steak 

bridies. Murmur tae me oan the high seas while feedin me Bridie's lick the

pastry crumbs aff ma wabs ya sexy poash basturt. Afore a kent it a wiz 

diddlin masel, imaginnin Ben gettin in aboot ma hairy cheque book.
 
He wiz nuhin like Kayden, he wiz treatin me right, ah bit ma lip imaginin 

Ben workin his tung er ma flaps, he widnae rattul a digit up ma dunger or 

nuhin, he wiz pyoor class. He widnae care aboot mah eye he wid luv me fur 

the Wumin i am. "D'ye lyk Rustler's Burgers Ben?" ah wid ask, he wid look 

up fae ma fanny and cock his heed and say "Aye" ah wid say "Braw theres 

thaym and Micro Chips fur tea" wi that ah pit ma fingur inside meh. 

"Aww Ben" ah whispurt. "Dae meh lyk a laydeh" Wi that Ben wid tak me in his

big airms, and wrap me up like a sexy faheeta. Ah wid tell um tae bag it but

he'd be like "mon dawl ah cah feel fuck all when ah dae that" bit sins it 

wiz Ben ah widnae care. Jist hinkin about um slippin his pink Darth Vader

intae ma clowns pocket and his byootiful blue eyez as blue as the blue bits 

ye get oan a can eh Fribreez cottin fresh room spray, starin n serchin fur 

ma wumminly fire in ma eyez wiz enough tae tip me er the edge. Fiurwurks 

went aff aww aboot ma boddeh ma nips goat aw stiff fae the cauld n the 

belter o a orgasm firin through me. "Sha hoor Ben, ye ken how tae treat 

a burd." a fought. 
 
Ma hapyniss wiz shortlived haw. Ma Ben wiz wissked awa fae me, like that 

time a wiz up the widz wi Cooky and the Poliss hid a warrunt fur him fur

a breach. Wi that a went an a goat dried, wi a heveh hert a made masel a 

pot noodle and settult doon tae Jeremy Kyle an Homes Under The Hammer oan 

Sky. Ah wiz gaw git Jamal fae ma mers in a coupleh oors.