Chapter 4

A herd the fump o letturz oan ma doormat. A wiz disapointit as it didnae hae that hevvy fump o ma Very catalog. Tae be honnist ah didnae hink a wiz gaw get wan as a pure bumped the cunts at ma maws address. Amazebaws. The disapointmint wiz short lived haw az a goat back intae ma Closer, ah fukin luv Jordan, she's ma total idul an if a wiz a lezza a wid totally dae ur. Awhing she's ucumplished jist beh gettin ur paps oot and lyin on Honda Civic's is amazin, even the wiy she's looked eftur Harvey and stil had a amazin cureer itz totez inspirin tae me as a indypendent womin. A used tae fancy that er wan, wotserpus, Jodie Marsh bit she went aww broon, jist like ma Jamal and goat mussuls, ugly slag. A pyoor luv ma celebriteh goasip, it taks me awa fae Links Street, like a majic kerpit, ken like Aladdin, ah wid be Ariel tae ma pikey wha cums a prince, a wid rub his lamp and mak mair than a jeenie come oot! An ah wiz totul jellis eh that greek hoor gittin Faysurs man meat in ur moof. Bitch. Wot a wid dae tae that hot slice o chocolate cake, ungratfel cow, hink ae aw that munny she goat, ah goat a rush froo ma vaj hinkin oh um or it couldeh been that ah just crimped a length o cable. Zinger Towers are ma fave but they dae hauf mak me shite. A feenisht up an went tae check ma post, see that Caspian hiz goat a new menu, ah'll hae tae wait tae Fursday tae get summin oot there cos ma munneh goes in, might hae a girlie nite in wi ma pals, ken like in they adverts thit wur on afore Friends ages ago and they're aw haein a great time in their tools wi popcorn an that? It's gaw be like that but wi Aldi's criss and voddy wi a munchy box. Dansur. A went froo the rest eh ma mail ah opint the wan fae the DWP.

Ma wurlt cullapst, ah aboot cullapst. a fukin letur aff the doal...

Maw hawns wur shakin wi angur, they bass wur gaw wifdraw ma benefits! A wiz ragin, ma rent got paid fur, ah got awhing aff the coonsul fur fuk aw, whut wiz a gaw dae? ma fanny dryt up quick then ah tell ye. It wiz like Kayden yayzin me. Ma stummik was lyk it hid jist been pumped eftur a night oot at Styx in Glenroffis. Theh wantit me tae cum in and hae a wurd wi thum, ah'd a hae a wurd awrite, ah wiz luvin life since ah goat the punt fae Miss Maude's Daein fuk aw an gettin payt fur it wiz the best hing ivur tae hapin tae me. Wat wid ma Jamal dae wioot hiz Air max n that, ah ken a chor maist eh thum but wen iz feet git biggur ah ca keep chorrin trainurz fur um an ahve bumped maist eh the catilogs tae.

A slumpt onteh ma couch, a lit a tab an took a draw oot it, aboot 4 tabs wur missin, it must've been Jamal, cheeky wee shite, ma maw smokes bawkeh but a startit smoking wen a wiz 9 so a ca grumbul at Jamal smoakin se erleh, ma wee troopur. Ma appointmint wi the doal wiz a few dayz awa. A wiz  stresst oot but a didnae want tae hae a blue or that. ah wiz gaw be a strong woomin. Like Beyonsay. A goat a can eh blue cherge fae the fridge as it wiz tyme fur Jeremeh Kyul and Hoams under the Hammur. A wiz depresst. A fought a mite gang tae the doacturs and git sum anti depressints but ah couldnae be ersed, ah'l fone and screem it thum the morn or ahll foan the soashul. No even ma blu chairge kid cheer me up, ah wiz shakin lyk a shittin dug fae the caffeine and witch craft cawed Guyana in it but ah jist wiznae happy, ah hud the energeh tae go an hae sum cheez strings oot the fridge. Bit that wiznae enuff, ah wantit mair,  a rummiged in ma cubburds, "Offt" a fought. Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle, it wiz jist in date and it wid go wi the Jeremeh Kyul episode a wiz watchin. "Jakarta Juniors" aw aboot burds gettin up the stick affy hot forin boys. Even though a wiz buzzin oot ma titz oan the energy drink a wiz wettur than Rod Hull's roof, hinkin aboot sum hot holiday luvvin at the hawns eh a Arabian prince exploring ma boddeh, ma innur godes, gawn at ma monkeh like a dug eatin hot chips... a fought the only hing that'll cheer meh up'll be chuckin masel aboot.

A went up the stair and pult ma rabbit oot ma drawr, it wiz deed. It got banged mair than a shithoose door if ah'm troothful. I wiz oan the hunt fur batrehs. I went froo Jamals auld toys, beh the tym a wiz finished there wiz walkman shit aw er the shoap. I heddit fur his baby monitur. Ah do yase it wen he stays at ma hoose bit this wiz mair important. Ma rage fae gettin bumped fae the dole, ma hert gawn like a fiddlers elbe fae the enurjeh drink hid combined tae a volcano eh lust in ma pants, ah wiz needin ma George Cole, an kwik. Ah howked ma breeks doon and goat tae wurk. Whit sooondit like a transformur haein a eppy atween ma flaps wiznae daein much fur ma mood. Ah wiz hinkin aboot ma Ben again bit even ma luvleh Ben wiznae gettin me gawn. Ah felt lyk ahd bitrayt um,

"ah'm sorreh Ben"  a says tae uhm iz he gret oan ma shooder

"but darlin, ahm hapyist when wur punchin fuk oot each er eftur a night oot, ah'd miss ye like desurts mist the rain, even if a goat pit in the cells oer the weekend it wid be too far awa fae ye too long awa fae ye, ah'd dae masel in or git back oan the smack"

 A nearly made masel greet wi finkin that ma Ben wid go bak tae daein gear wioot meh, bit a hid tae let um go.
"Itz no yoo, itz me Ben. Ah've met sumcunt elss."

Davey ya sexeh basturd, ah hoap eh wiz hinkin o meh iz eh wiz ridin ma maw, auld bitch wi hur saggy baps n fanny like a kebab fae Istanbuls, it wid be lyk chucking a fag doon Kirkcaldy High Street coz a wiznae a wee bairn ken. A went ontae ma side, still ragin fit tae burst like a ketchup packet ootay Wevvurspoons wen ye squeeze it. That wiz the moment a saw um, oan a dug eered copeh eh Now. Alex Reed, if a couldnae be ma idul Jordan, a wid pump ur ex man. Ma loins flushed wi a renewed pashin.

"Aww Alix, ye wantin tae see ma 60" plazma oan ma wa in ma livvin room? ah've goat sky HD wi aw the fukin chanels an Rab goat me a chipt caird so a get aww they manky channuls fur nuhin, an the bairns at ma maws"
 "Chardonnay, a want ye, a want tae be inside ye, ma gut sticks aching tae get wired intae ye..."
"Aww Alix.... Alix... are ye wanting tae be a crafty butcher?"  a says as a bit ma lip
"Eh?"
"Tak yer meat roon the bak"
"Sha hoor aye"
Ma fingers were oan ma bean lyk a tramp on chips, ma bodeh wiz gein it jerks like a hid toorets and a wiz makin noises like a deef gurl enjoyin a donut. Alex, ya hunky bass... A wiz strummin awa' hinkin aboot ma Alex, ma King, who'll tak me awa fae aw this, no even managin tae git intae the livin room tae see ma telly, he frew me ontae the stairs in ma hoose, at that ah wiz gettin cloasur to cummin. Oor eyes burnt intae each uvvurs, we wantit each ither, lyk a atomic bob o shaggin. His hawns went er meh, his boady wiz lyk a bag eh snakes and a made a grab fur hiz snake.
"fuk me!" a saiz
"how?" he saiz
"ah'll be walkin lyk John Wayne if ye rattle that up ma dungur!"
"Katie didny mind!"

Wi that, a new a wit a hid tae dae, ma idul, the wan woomin a lookt uptae a wiz menshinned in the same bref iz hur, so i spat oan ma hawn an wiped it oan ma tea tool holder fur um, then pooin his kex doon a took um in ma moof, his angry sex wis fillin ma moof like a Rustlers hotdug fae the Odeon, a squeezed at eez baws and he groaned wi unbridult pleshur. He flipt me oar, and rattult ma erse cheek wi his manhood, then skelpt me and cawed me a durty bitch. a kin a haid a hairy ersehole but a didnae care. Wot ma king wantit, ma King goat and he wantit ma bonus tunnel so a offurt masel up like a sackrafishul lamb, gettin slawtered oan the altur eh lust. We becaym wan, his hot frusts stretchin me, he gruntit as his slaghammer went deeper up ma farter, tae let ye ken haw ah hid a sectarian when a hid Jamal so he didnae leave me wi a wind sock but a new ma balloon knot wid be a tite hoat pleshur for ma Alex. He went intae meh uptae his back wheels, wi every frust ah wiz gittin cloasur, ma fingurs wur a blur oar masel as o fought eh Alex pumpin ma ringpiece as a diddult masel, Alex took meh in his big mussly airms and pult me tae um, our boadies and soulz becummin wan, he pit his haun er ma moof and sayz he wiz reddeh an a felt eez walloper gie it wan as he releesed his tatty watur up ma pipe. That wiz me ah went aff lyk a rockit, savurin the pleshur that ma mynd hid creatit and ma boddeh wiz sayvurrin. a gave hees pickshur a wee peck and ah fought eh us in oor post shag yooforia.
"Ye wantin wan eh the bairns froot shoots Alix?"
"Aye goan then" iz eh wipet hiz banger oan ma baff tool. A kid furgee um fur that, coas he wiz ma King.

Ah sortit masel oot an went back doon the stair, a hid aner fag bit aw a kid smell wiz fanny batter and pot noodles aff ma fingurs. It wiz aboot tym tae get reddeh onywiy, ah wiz awa oot the night so ahd wash ma hawns n that in the shoor. A hid pyoor braw gawn oot clase that ah'd chort fae Quiz last week so some luckeh basturt was gaw be nuckle deep in meh the nyt lykes ah needit a gid fingerin tae tak ma mynd aff ma meetin wi the doal.